John’s Crawlspace

So I started my job today. A “real” job. Like the kind you get after you’re done with college – One of those. Surprised? Yeah, me too. Anyway, it’s in Trenton, New Jersey, and since I’m supposed to be there at 8 AM that means I wake up at 5 AM and leave the house at 6 to avoid traffic. Sure, I ended up being an hour early today, but I have to get a feel for the “morning commute”. Oh man… Listen to me. Next thing you know I’ll be buying a paper everyday and drinking coffee in the mornings, and watching the news before I go to bed at 10 PM. I’m shuddering at the mere though of such a monotonous routine. I miss college already, and I graduated what, a month ago? Someone get me a beer… Make that five. Alright, I’ll cut the rant short. I’ll be spending the weekend at a friend’s lake house in Eagles Mere, also known as Brokeback Mountain. So I have that to look forward to. I guess this is what it’s like to not be in school anymore… You actually look forward to social events, as opposed to going out (or not) and drinking almost every single night. At this rate maybe drinking and such will be fun and exciting again, the way it was back in high school? I bet if I were to step back and read this post as if someone else wrote it, I’d think, “golly gee, that guy has a drinking problem”. But I don’t – Have a drinking problem, that is. And I’d never say golly gee, not even if you held a gun to my head. Moving along…

So yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on the Bonnaroo “rumor mill”, as well as several forums, and although the vast majority of you probably don’t care, there are now several (count: eight) confirmed artists. The reason this is newsworthy, or whatever, is because the official lineup hasn’t been announced yet, and having already purchased my ticket, I’m pretty damn excited to see who’s gonna be there. The acts that have been announced that I care about are: The Cold War Kids, John Butler Trio, Patton Oswalt, and The Hold Steady. At one point these were all confirmed in interviews/MySpace tour schedules/etc, but some have since been removed, most likely at the request of the people behind the scenes of Bonnaroo. There’s also a band confirmed that I am kind of mad about, and that’s Fountains of Wayne. I don’t see how they fit in at all at Bonnaroo, and if I hear “Stacy’s Mom” at any point while I’m in Manchester, I will rip someones face off. It is my understanding that these guys have been around for awhile, and that ridiculously annoying single (which I never at any point even remotely liked) is not at all representative of the bands catalog. Either way, I’ve already formed my opinion about them, and I’ll be damned if – What’s this? Oh, this is by Fountains of Wayne? Damn, this is catchy, send me the whole album. All joking aside… Shit. I have been listening to The Hold Steady’s new album, “Boys and Girls in America”, and I like it a lot. To me they sound like a combination of The Counting Crows and Bruce Springsteen, although sometimes a bit heavy on the boss. Okay, no more music.

I remember reading The Guiness Book of Records a while ago at a friends house, and coming across a part about music videos, and I remembered that it was a death metal/grind band that had the shortest music video ever. I don’t know what reminded me of it, but I decided to try and find it. Brutal Truth’s “Collateral Damage” The Shortest Music Video ever – the video clip, produced in 1994, is a record-breaking 2.18 seconds-long. While on the topic of music videos… Thank god for Hot Topic and MTV, or else we’d never have wonderful acts, like these clowns. And seriously, what the hell is this crap? I’ve never heard of Hollywood Undead, but they look like Good Charlotte’s cousins. With bands like this the focus is clearly like 10% on the music, and 90% on the image. That’s what music is all about, right? But all joking aside, they are absolutely god awful.

I’m gonna leave you with something Mizi sent me, I think this is pretty damn funny. Otherwise I wouldn’t post it. Did you just touch my ass?

25 Ways To A Girls Heart

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.” This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words ‘fuck you,’ and grab the other girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold… but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, “If you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt and say “No, she’s not hungry”. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts… and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.

22. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much, but I think it’s funny.

25. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Now don’t call. That’s also quite funny!

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