The Day The Whole World Went Away September 20, 2007
I realize that my personal life is something that very few of you care about. But this is my website, so I’m gonna write about it anyway.
I mentioned in my last post that my girlfriend and I weren’t doing too well. First, she told me that she thought we should take a break, and that she wanted to see other people. After talking to her about this a few times I realized she was confused, and that she wasn’t sure what she wanted. During this time, she was busy with classes and whatnot. Unfortunately, I wasn’t busy at all – I still haven’t found a job. So I have all the time in the world here in my house. No one else is home during the day, so it’s just me and my thoughts, and it’s really hard for me to keep my mind occupied. So I had way too much time on my hands, and I think I definitely didn’t give her enough space. Due to the lack of things I had going on during the day, the hours just crawled by. For her, on the other hand, I’m sure the days just flew by… You know how it is when you’re in college. I feel like I sent her too many IMs/text messages/what have you, and I pushed her in the wrong direction. What seemed like a reasonable amount of contact to me probably seemed like entirely too much to her.
So yesterday she finally called me and told me that she just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Feel the burn. I honestly did not see this coming at all, and it totally caught me off guard. I still don’t think it has really hit me yet.
For the longest time I took this girl for granted. I liked her a lot, but I always felt that she liked me more, and for whatever stupid reason I just figured she would always be around. A few weeks ago, I did some thinking, and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. I thought about my single friends, and how lonely they must be. I thought about how much it must suck to not have someone special in your life, someone who you really connect with that truly cares about you. During that time I realized how much this girl really meant to me, and I told myself I was going to act accordingly. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen her since, and now it’s too late.
It’s ridiculous how quickly this year has flown by for me. When I look back now, I realize all the different attempts that she made to try and make this long distance thing work. She was at home in New York all summer, and the distance thing was definitely the main crutch in our relationship. I can remember several different times where she made concerted efforts to make things work. She’d ask me to try and put aside more time to call her, even just to talk about how our days went. I’d say yeah, I’ll try… But I just didn’t take it seriously. And that kills me now, it really makes me sad to think about how, in a way, those were ‘cries for help’ that I just ignored. She was trying so hard to make it work, and I just blew her off. I really feel like I could have prevented this, and it’s definitely the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to deal with.
Our relationship started while we were both in college, and that was where it worked the best. Not a day went by that I didn’t see her, and there were really no problems. But after I graduated, the distance thing became an issue. We dealt with it for a while, but I feel like that is ultimately what lead to this. She told me that now that I’m done with school, things will never be the same… And I understand. She misses the little things, stuff like getting lunch on campus together between classes. And the more I think about it, I really miss that stuff too. The little things that, at the time, don’t seem important at all. It’s funny how that works. My priorities while at school were definitely not straight… I think that sometimes I cared more about going out to the bar with the guys than I did about staying in and watching a movie with her. But the memories that mean the most to me now are definitely the ones I made with her. And I’m really kicking myself over it now. Even if we were still together, I think I’d still be upset about this – About how I didn’t fully take advantage of the time we had together while we were both in school.
We were together for about a year and nine months. I’d be lying if I said that during this time I wasn’t extremely happy. I have tons of great memories with her… But I don’t want it to be over, I feel like this could have been the beginning for us. I know distance is hard, she’s still in school while I’m at home, 2 hours away from her. But I feel like we could have made it work. But I understand that if she has a seed of doubt regarding her interest in myself or the relationship, that she can’t just ignore it and continue on as if everything is fine.
So I’m still jobless and pretty down in the dumps, but I’m doing what I can to stay busy and keep my mind off of this. It’s impossible not to think about it though… There are pictures of her (and us together) all over my room, but it’d kill me to take them down. There are reminders everywhere… Songs on the radio, things I have in my car, street names… It all goes back to her. Thank god I have friends who are willing to take time out of their schedules to come see me and do stuff with me to keep me occupied.
I do hope that somehow she has a change of heart, and that she realizes that we were pretty much perfect for one another. I’m sure she could easily find another guy, and I don’t doubt that I could find another girl… But I don’t want anyone else. I don’t subscribe to the belief that for each person there is just one perfect match out there. But if that were the case, this girl was pretty damn close for me.
Like I said before, sitting around the house is definitely not helping things at all. I’ve been working out more, and trying to find other stuff to keep myself occupied. I actually picked up a guitar the other day and learned some chords. I went on a long bike ride yesterday, and I think a friend of mine is coming over today and we’re gonna do that again. I think I might take up knitting too… If anyone wants a comforter with pink kittens on it, let me know, we’ll work something out.
I don’t plan on making a habit out of these ‘emo’ posts, or whatever you want to call them. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening, interweb.
I could keep going with this, but I’ll spare you. For those of you that made it this far… You can download 2 tracks from Serj Tankian’s upcoming album, “Elect The Dead”, here.
Edit: The new Ween CD has made it onto the web as well… You can download “El Cucaracha” right here. It hits stores October 23rd. I haven’t had a chance to listen to the whole thing yet, but I’m not sure how I feel about what I have heard, hopefully it will grow on me.
J Sep 20, 2007
Just start calling her everyday and listen to her stories about how she hates her professors or her roommates or whatever. If you listen she’ll know you care.
Thanks for the Serj.
roadie Sep 20, 2007
Music is the best remedy in my opinion. Why else would I have so many awesome guitar riffs under my belt?
Listen to some Cradle of Filth, it helps as well.
Julian Sep 20, 2007
Bummer man, try doing something creative in the meantime.
Jskot Sep 20, 2007
Damn John sorry to here about that its funny what you said about the guitar because i was gonna suggest that exact same thing. I had sort of a similar situation where i dated a girl from the end of high school through college (5 years total) and after college things were just so different and we eventually broke up. I never had touched a guitar in my life, a week later i went and bought one and without that thing i honestly mighta jumped off a bridge. Just go to youtube and search for tutorials or watch people play stuff that youre into its so easy to learn from that. And let me tell ya the first couple months are rough thinkin about her every second but time heals all wounds bro and it will get much better. If it was meant to be then it’ll happen eventually but in the meantime have some fun.
J-A Sep 20, 2007
Dude, rough shit. I know that e-sympathies basically mean nothing but you have mine regardless. I don’t mind the “life” posts anyways, that’s why I come here.
Good call on the biking and guitar. A bit of distraction does wonders in a situation like this. Road trip up to canada and I’ll teach ya to play :p
Justin Sep 20, 2007
Hey man, I’m sorry to hear about your heartache. We’ve all been there, I know I have been. Just hang in there and things will get better. As corny and cliche as the saying is, it’s true “Time heals everything”.
I’ve been a reader of your site for YEARS and even though I never comment, I consider you a friend. If I lived in PA, I would definitely try to keep your mind off of her and all the shit you are dealing with.
late.
Garrett Sep 21, 2007
We all have been there bro, don’t take it so hard. I had a friend kill himself a month ago because his GF left him and he got a DUI the same night. For every girl that we think or actually do love, there are at least five more girls that we will love just as much or more. There will be new memories and little moments to share together. I am only 24 but I have been married for three years and with my wife for five. I have been checking out your site for longer then I have been with my wife. There are so many different things going on now from back when we were first together. Things definitely have been tough to get through at times and they still are sometimes now. The one thing that you can count on is people will change, I guess what I am trying to get at is at least she didn’t feel like you guys were growing apart 3 or 5 years into the relationship. People shouldn’t get serious with one another until at least 25 after they have done all of their growing and played the field a little bit. Even though it feels bad now something good will come out of it, I have seen and lived it before, hang in there.
Arthur Sep 21, 2007
Hey John, I’ve also followed your site for years without speaking up. Although I don’t know anything about you beyond this blog, I’ve always respected your opinions. You’re always down to earth and you consider both sides of an issue before weighing in.
I feel compelled to comment because since I’m in my third year of studying abroad, I’ve had a few long distance relationships, and subsequent heartbreaks. I learned a lot about how to be better at maintaining a relationship, but the fact remains that long distance is hard. Time apart chips away at both people and no amount of phonecalls can replace being face to face. It’s up to both of you to communicate just how much you mean to each other, and what you need from one another to keep the relationship going. I guess what I’m essentially saying is that it’s not your fault.
Big_T Sep 21, 2007
I’m another fan of your site John and always liked reading your blog. I’ve never left comments before but I’ve been going to your site for a couple of years now, and it feels like I know you.
About the GF .. Is it destiny .. don’t know, is it just a sign that your life is evolving into another phase .. don’t know. But in your hear if you really want this to work out you can try and talk to her face to face. Maybe she’s seeing other guys or you’all have grown apart. Shoot, if there was a remote chance of getting together, I’d drive down there and hang out and see what’s going thru her head. Yeah I know .. no $$, but maybe you can hang out at some friends for awhile .. whaddya got to lose. Maybe a job will pop up down there. Just worrying about these things like no job and losing your GF is negative energy. Try and shake it up some. Hang in there .. I hope it works out for you. Know that you’ve touched a lot of people you never knew and life does not all suck .. kinda like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life.
Martin Sep 22, 2007
If you really want this girl, you gotta fight for it.
My take after reading your post is you’re ready to move on, but yeah heartache sucks.
Dr. Pepsi Sep 22, 2007
Move the fuck on.
Get a better girl to bang.
Dr. Pepsi Sep 22, 2007
Since she’s in college, she was definitely cheating on you.
Martin Sep 22, 2007
Forget Ween. For the blues you have, you need to listen to “Love in Vain” by the Stones off Let It Bleed, or the original Robert Johnson version.
The last verse captures your whole post in four lines.
roadie Sep 22, 2007
Nile, Cradle of Filth, Vital Remains, older Bodom.. That’s the shit you need at a time like this. Fuck remorse, hate heals everything.
And Dr. Pepsi’s theory is amusingly correct.
bob saget Sep 24, 2007
honestly man, it seems like this is better for you. it sounds to me like you let this girl define who you are & now that shes gone youre lost. now you have the freedom to do whatever you want, with nooo restrictions. no matter how in love you two were, she still didnt allow you to do at least one thing you wanted to, and now you dont have a job either, go out and do it.
the glass is half full my friend.
jeremy Sep 26, 2007
so me and my girl just ended our relationship about two months ago, i had just got a good job during days and she was working nights, im convinced the conflicting schedual is what fucked things up, she ended up finding some other guy and instead of just ending things she just tried to continue with us but i knew what was going on and didnt want to wait around for her to offically end things so for the first time i was the one who did the breaking up, i realized that i didnt really miss her but that i missed just having someone around, someone who gave a shit about me. being alone is the worst feeling and when i think about it i get so fucking depressed. anyways just stay busy and try to spend alot of time with friends. i now know that everything will eventually end you just have to live in the moment.
Affairs with Married Men Aug 26, 2009
Some cool content here. I was wondering if i might ask you a question about something and I think others might benefit from it as well…