When Good Diglets Do Bad Things January 28

Filed under General by John | 296 comments

Once again I have a story of an authority figure being a complete dick. We went out on some errands (K-Mart, Sheetz, etc) and were in the car while my one friend was in the liquor store. He’s over 21, but the rest of us waiting in the car are under 21. So he’s walking back to the car with a box of bottles, and some lady stops him, and we saw her flash a badge, so naturally we got a little worried, even though no one was doing anything illegal. It’s meant to work that way, authority figures are supposed to invoke fear and paranoia in a person, right? Anyway, she talked to him for a good five minutes or so, and then told him to stay where he was. Then she came and talked to the driver, asked for ID and everything, and asked him if the alcoholw as for him or anyone else in the car. She asked us if we gave him any money, and said if she saw any of us so much as touch the alcohol she’d do her worst, or whatever you want to say. She asked where we were going, and the driver told her “Sheetz”. She said, “Oh, so you’re gonna go drink the alcohol at Sheetz, then?” She was being a total bitch for no reason. Whenever the LCB is in town, alot of parties get busted though, so I guess it’s good that we had that run-in so we knew ahead of time, since she told us she was from the LCB. She had some other girl sitting against her car crying, but thats probably because she got busted buying for underage people or something. I realize that the lady is just doing her job, but there’s no need to be a total bitch about it. Let’s see, what else did I learn this weekend? Intoxication is no excuse to whip out your wang and piss in someone’s house, and even if the bottles are empty, if the RA’s see them in your room, it’s the equivelant of them catching you in the act of drinking them… So now I have a court date. Awesome. It took two RA’s to carry all the emptys out though, haha. This fuckin sucks though, I haven’t gotten in trouble once for alcohol since I got here, and now they catch me during room inspections, when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I know of other people who have empty bottles in their rooms, just not as many as I had, I guess.

hahahaha!

I was definitely in the mood to dress up like a witch and cook little kids earlier, so I guess it’s a good thing that I found this game before I resorted to more serious actions.

Cheesus Christ! Cheesus Industries manufactures and sells what they describe as “premium quality, religious-themed cheese sculptures”. Blasphemers! Although according to The Museum of Hoaxes, that site is just a promotional tool for lounge singer Richard Cheese… Who sucks, by the way. Why do my fingers smell like onions?

A pastor at a Catholic church in Norton, Ohio is being charged with cultivating marijuana in the church’s rectory. Interesting.

For those of you who need to get in touch with me, for whatever reason, I’ve updated the contact page with my new e-mail address. Yes, I’m still accepting “fan signs” (and the usual formula is still valid, send a good one and it goes in a post, you get hits), and plugging websites, if you go about it the right way. Alright, well I hate to cut this short, but it’s a Wednesday night, so I have some drinking to get to. You’d think that after the past three nights it’d be time for a break, but it’s a vicious cycle - Wednesday nights are for drinking. Anyone going to see Dillinger Escape Plan this weekend in Philly at the Troc? I’ll be there. Check out High Society Records, definitely worth your time. I’ll be at the ten seasons.

A Hangover Is Inspiration January 22

Filed under General by John | 35 comments

Man… Whenever I’m drunk I think of stuff to write about on here (as in stuff other than just links to weird shit that I find on the web) and then I always forget what it was when I’m actually sitting down, working on an update (which isn’t too often, as I’m sure you’ve all noticed by now). So… Let’s just take a moment of silence for all those lost ideas… And brain cells, while we’re at it. Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. Like, ALOT. Dick.

You just got PWN'D

Stella is seriously the funniest thing in the entire world, though I don’t expect a whole lot of you to agree with me on that. But whatever, go to the official website and check out all the skits.

SLAYER Barbie? Yep, that’s right. You can find her, and many more variations on the original Mattel doll on this site… Yeah.

This may be considered ‘old news’, I dunno, but I just now read about it and thought it was kind of interesting. Eminem’s song “We As Americans” got him labeled as a threat to the president, and he’s being watched by the secret service. You can read about it here.

Check out Dorkstorm: The Annihilation - It’s a list of the top ten nerdiest hobbies out there, and I’d say it’s pretty damn accurate, but a small distraction at best.

As a college student, money is sometimes hard to come by, as I’m sure some of you know. So why not just sacrafice your body to science - Become a human guinea pig! Sure, you might end up with some undesired effects, or some extra appendages ten years down the road, but at least you’ll be making some money.

This site has a bunch of audio clips from songs in reverse - You’ve all heard of this type of thing before. Half the time it sounds nothing like what the site is claiming it says, but it’s still mildly amusing (and interesting, in my opinion) if nothing else.

Hahaha, holy crap - Muslim cleric Mohamed Kamal Mustafa wrote a book for men on how to beat women without leaving any marks on their bodies. I guess I shouldn’t really laugh about that, it’s pretty messed up. Anyway, you can read more about it here.

I don’t think you can even consider this a “prank” - It deserves a more respectable title then that - This guy spent five days covering his friends entire apartment in tin foil. Not just the apartment itself, but everything inside, too - Even the quarters in a coin jar. That’s f’in dedication right there. Seriously, I’d like to shake this guys hand… PEEP IT FOOZ.

Why buy a Segway… When you can build one yourself?

If for some strange reason you can’t get enough of pot-bellied pigs, then this is the site for you. You wierdo.

Alright… If you get stuck in a bathroom door, and firefighters have to come and cut you out with the Jaws of Life, it’s a possibility that you might have some type of weight problem. Right?

Well I was up til 6 last night and I’m done with classes for the day so it’s time for me to go the hell back to sleep for a few hours. Check out apotheosis.tv and my friend Arin’s site, arinahnell.com, he’s got some awesome photography on there.

The Best You Can Is Good Enough January 16

Filed under General by John | 21 comments

I was thinking earlier today about some strange stuff… What if you had control of more than one life? If I had multiple “me’s” at my disposal… Each one would represent a different aspect of my personality - I think I’m different from most people in that I really feel I’m a good person at heart, but I’ve also done things that no one with a “conscience” would do. I’m conflicted, my desires pull in several different directions - Part of me wants to be destructive and reckless, the scheming, exploitative and mischievious side of me, that tended to surface alot more back in my high school days. Part of me wants to just have a good time and enjoy where I am right now, and not have to worry about consequences - As far as that part of me is concerned, there are no consequences. And then there’s the part of me that has been the most dominant lately, the one that most people know - The part that wants to make my parents proud and go somewhere in life, that wants to be productive and make the best use of my time. I’m not saying I have split personalities or anything crazy like that, but I think that your average person tends to follow one main path in life, rather than trying to be on several at once. I really wish I could take each one of those parts of me and put them into a different person. That way, when the bad John gets caught in the act, or dies doing something stupid or whatever, I just go back and live the other parts of me, without being stuck with the consequences. Then again… That part of me is growing smaller and smaller as I mature and realize that it’s just not worth it. And god knows I’ve been in more than my share of trouble in the past, so it’s not like I haven’t tasted consequences for my actions or anything… This is kind of hard for me to put into words, and I’m not even sure if I’ll post it, since this isn’t normally what you’d expect to see on my site. I already know which path in life I’m going to follow - I’m in college and I want to stay here, and make good grades while I’m at it. This is all just some stuff I was thinking about earlier when I went out jogging. I guess that’s it for now.

Aww yeah...
Guys, we have a problem. GOATSE.CX, a site we have all grown to love, is in jeopardy. This site has been a part of my life ever since the first time I saw it. I’ve probably posted this story in the past, but it’s cool - We used to go to Sears, and they’d have WebTV hooked up on some of the big screen TVs. So we’d get on there and bring up that site and just watch the joy (also sometimes known as

horror) on people’s faces as they were exposed to Mr. John Goatse himself (and his digestive system). And now they want to take this from us? I’ve never been more serious in my life - sign this petition, or I’ll totally jizz in your cereal when you’re trying to find a clean spoon. What exactly is an ‘asscap’ anyway?

Wow, I never realized that Saddam was such a cutie… I should have chased his cute ass down myself.

I wasted at least an hour of my life over the past few days just laughing my ass off at some of the images on this site.

Well holy crap. HollywoodIsCalling.com is offering real live celebrity phone calls starting at just $19.95, with 50 celebrities to choose from! I can honestly say that’s one of the lamest things I’ve ever seen! I don’t really even feel like getting into why, but this is another one of those things that actually makes me angry that it even exists… Who the hell has twenty bucks to waste on a phone call with some celebrity that couldn’t give two shits about them? “So uh, what’s goin’ on? How about them Eagles, eh? Yeah… It’s nice out… Well hey, I’m gonna go… Talk to you later.” Awesome. Hollywood may be calling, but I sure as fuck won’t be answering… Unless a new technology is revealed that allows you to physically hurt someone through a telephone. But hold on - That’s not all guys. They also do date invitations, and marriage proposals! “Hey, this is Steve Jizzflanker, I played a candy bar in the shopping mall scene in the Pelican Brief. Kevin is too much of a pussy to ask you himself, and he wants to know if you’ll marry him.” Any romantic relationship initiated by this website is guaranteed to fail - How cool is that?

Although I’m sure there are those that would argue that it’s “insect cruelty”, I think this would be pretty fun to try out.

Whoever wrote this review of the new Coheed & Cambria CD is a total ballhair, and has no idea what he’s talking about. I’m seriously obsessed with this CD, and it’s crazy because I used to despise this band. If you haven’t heard “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3″, and you like alternative rock in general, check it out - Unless you’re one of those people that never liked Rush because of the high-pitched vocals, because these guys have that same thing going on.

Funny: The fact that 1-800-PEE-HOLE is an actual phone number. Funnier: The fact that the girl on the pre-recorded message actually says the word “peehole”. Or am I just immature? I dunno, we definitely got a good 10-15 minute kick out of that. Personally, I think it’s safe to say it was the highlight of my evening.

I actually have a test tommorow morning and a mini-report due too so I gotta get up in a few hours. I have so much energy right now, I’m not gonna be able to sleep. But regardless, I’m done with this for now. Oh, if anyone knows what a “Manchild” is, please tell me, I really wanna know… Thanks.

The Big Fish Eat The Little Ones January 9

Filed under General by John | 146 comments

So I got my wisdom teeth out Monday morning… It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be, trust me, I’ve heard some horror stories, people waking up during the surgery, etc. The pain didn’t really start until a day or so after the operation, and niether did the swelling. So now I look like a chipmunk, and I’m really getting tired of swallowing blood. And I don’t know who thought it would be funny to prescribe me to some shitty-ass meds that don’t do anything for the pain, but… Well, that’s what they did. You’d think that if something is classified as a narcotic, it’s gonna have some kind of effect on you when you take it. Well, hydrocodone, you can kiss my ass, you suck. Maybe if I plugged it instead? Speaking of plugging… Check out mizi.us, even though we’re talking about two totally different types of plugging here.

Aww yeah...
One thing I kinda miss is when the forums here were active. People used to post all the time, and then we all kinda stopped. So I’m plugging them in hopes that those of you who haven’t already done so will sign up and post! You can check out the John’s Crawlspace Forums here.

Awesome, I think I’m going to see Dillinger Escape Plan with The Locust (and two other bands I’ve never heard - Your Enemies Friends and Orthrelm) the 31st at the Trocadero. Anyone else gonna be there? I bet Dillinger puts on one hell of a show.

Well looks like Jacko’s getting married… For a third time. No, it’s not to an eight year old boy’s butthole, either… look! And while on the topic of celebrity marriages (not that I find this to be an interesting topic, but I find this next bit to be quite amusing) Britney Spears is in the process of legally annuling her recent marriage… This took place the morning after the marriage. Yup.

This is one I’ve been waiting for… A free subscription to Rolling Stone magazine - Here. If you can tolerate all the liberal left-wing crap that they feel the need to heap in every issue, there’s some half-decent entertainment news to be found as well! Oh yeah, I think the editors of the magazine might have a secret crush on George Bush… Enjoy.

Wow… For $49.99 (after a rebate) you can get a Canon i470D Photo Printer, it has multiple slots for six different types of media cards, so you can just pop them in there and print the photos out right from the memory cards, which is pretty cool, and it prints at up to 4800×1200 color DPI. Seems like a good deal to me, anyway.

Want a free Playstation 2? Well here you go, courtesy of The Landover Baptist Church, and Jesus Christ himself.

If you haven’t already seen the uncensored version of 50 Cent’s “P.I.M.P” video, check it out… It’s cute.

I was looking for a simple, easy to use P2P app that isnt packed with spyware for my family to use once I go back to school, and I found Shareaza. I gotta say, I’m impressed. I found Sifl & Olly episodes on here, and I’ve never been able to find them easily on a P2P service before. I’m sure they’re on some DC++ hubs somewhere, but who has time for all that? If you’re looking for a new P2P app, or are interested in this little grundlecake I just baked up, you can read more about Shareaza here, or check out it’s official homepage at shareaza.com. Oh yeah, and it can download .torrent files too. Make me another one of those sammiches, that was fuckin’ good.

If you like Aqua Teen Hunger Force as much as I do, or… Well, if you like the show, you can download torrents of it here. I already have the first season on DVD, but it was nice to get ahold of the new episodes… The Frat Aliens one is seriously hilarious, check it out if you like the show and haven’t seen that one already.

Note to self: When sending out threatening letters to small children, don’t lick the envelopes shut - To avoid having DNA traced, use jizz instead. Oh yeah, and stop setting fire to churches… It’s a bad habit, I guess. But Tara Reid told me to do it, and, come on, honestly… Like you wouldn’t have done it.

I didn’t realize that clothing-optional summer camps even existed, but apparently they might not be around for much longer. Oh, to be 15 again… Then again, what kind of fucked-up-in-the-head parents send their kid to a nude summer camp? Mmmmmmm… Well I have a doctor’s appointment early in the AM tommorow, so I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably get to bed afterwards. HA! That’s some humor for ya. Goodnight Billy.

Smothered N’ Covered In Tarantulas! January 5

Filed under General by John | 15 comments

Those of you who come here often might get sick of seeing these same free magazine subscriptions over and over, but for those of you who haven’t taken advantage of them yet, surprisingly enough the offers are still valid, so check this shizzle out: Free subscriptions to PSM Magazine, Blender, Stuff, and Maxim.

Soooo, Britney Spears got married, eh? Yeah. I didn’t see that one comin, but then again, who cares? How was everyone’s New Year? Mine was lots of fun, blackout and vomit and all, I wouldn’t be content with anything less. And yes, most of the stains came out.

Wanna see Madonna licking a random guy’s butthole? Niether do I… But you can see that and more here, a gallery of images from Madonna’s smutty-ass book “Sex”. So Britney tastes some butthole at the VMAs? Awesome, she deserves it… for SUCKING.

HowWasShe.com is a pretty degrading site where guys submit pictures of girls they’ve “bagged” and then rate them on things such as… Well, if you’re interested, check it out. It’s unique, I gotta give it that, since I haven’t seen any other sites like it, but I gotta imagine that there are tons of lawsuits brewing in it’s wake.

As far as interesting stuff goes, that’s about it for tonight. But for the record, I just want to say that I would absolutely PWN any of you in Tony Hawk’s Underground. I’d say bring it, but unfortunately I’m afraid that for the vast majority of you, that isn’t possible. Okay, enough with this. I gotta get up at the asscrack of dawn and get my wisdom teeth ripped out of my face, so I’m gonna get to bed now. P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.