John’s Crawlspace

I realize that my personal life is something that very few of you care about. But this is my website, so I’m gonna write about it anyway.

I mentioned in my last post that my girlfriend and I weren’t doing too well. First, she told me that she thought we should take a break, and that she wanted to see other people. After talking to her about this a few times I realized she was confused, and that she wasn’t sure what she wanted. During this time, she was busy with classes and whatnot. Unfortunately, I wasn’t busy at all - I still haven’t found a job. So I have all the time in the world here in my house. No one else is home during the day, so it’s just me and my thoughts, and it’s really hard for me to keep my mind occupied. So I had way too much time on my hands, and I think I definitely didn’t give her enough space. Due to the lack of things I had going on during the day, the hours just crawled by. For her, on the other hand, I’m sure the days just flew by… You know how it is when you’re in college. I feel like I sent her too many IMs/text messages/what have you, and I pushed her in the wrong direction. What seemed like a reasonable amount of contact to me probably seemed like entirely too much to her.

So yesterday she finally called me and told me that she just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Feel the burn. I honestly did not see this coming at all, and it totally caught me off guard. I still don’t think it has really hit me yet.

For the longest time I took this girl for granted. I liked her a lot, but I always felt that she liked me more, and for whatever stupid reason I just figured she would always be around. A few weeks ago, I did some thinking, and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. I thought about my single friends, and how lonely they must be. I thought about how much it must suck to not have someone special in your life, someone who you really connect with that truly cares about you. During that time I realized how much this girl really meant to me, and I told myself I was going to act accordingly. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen her since, and now it’s too late.

It’s ridiculous how quickly this year has flown by for me. When I look back now, I realize all the different attempts that she made to try and make this long distance thing work. She was at home in New York all summer, and the distance thing was definitely the main crutch in our relationship. I can remember several different times where she made concerted efforts to make things work. She’d ask me to try and put aside more time to call her, even just to talk about how our days went. I’d say yeah, I’ll try… But I just didn’t take it seriously. And that kills me now, it really makes me sad to think about how, in a way, those were ‘cries for help’ that I just ignored. She was trying so hard to make it work, and I just blew her off. I really feel like I could have prevented this, and it’s definitely the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to deal with.

Our relationship started while we were both in college, and that was where it worked the best. Not a day went by that I didn’t see her, and there were really no problems. But after I graduated, the distance thing became an issue. We dealt with it for a while, but I feel like that is ultimately what lead to this. She told me that now that I’m done with school, things will never be the same… And I understand. She misses the little things, stuff like getting lunch on campus together between classes. And the more I think about it, I really miss that stuff too. The little things that, at the time, don’t seem important at all. It’s funny how that works. My priorities while at school were definitely not straight… I think that sometimes I cared more about going out to the bar with the guys than I did about staying in and watching a movie with her. But the memories that mean the most to me now are definitely the ones I made with her. And I’m really kicking myself over it now. Even if we were still together, I think I’d still be upset about this - About how I didn’t fully take advantage of the time we had together while we were both in school.

We were together for about a year and nine months. I’d be lying if I said that during this time I wasn’t extremely happy. I have tons of great memories with her… But I don’t want it to be over, I feel like this could have been the beginning for us. I know distance is hard, she’s still in school while I’m at home, 2 hours away from her. But I feel like we could have made it work. But I understand that if she has a seed of doubt regarding her interest in myself or the relationship, that she can’t just ignore it and continue on as if everything is fine.

So I’m still jobless and pretty down in the dumps, but I’m doing what I can to stay busy and keep my mind off of this. It’s impossible not to think about it though… There are pictures of her (and us together) all over my room, but it’d kill me to take them down. There are reminders everywhere… Songs on the radio, things I have in my car, street names… It all goes back to her. Thank god I have friends who are willing to take time out of their schedules to come see me and do stuff with me to keep me occupied.

I do hope that somehow she has a change of heart, and that she realizes that we were pretty much perfect for one another. I’m sure she could easily find another guy, and I don’t doubt that I could find another girl… But I don’t want anyone else. I don’t subscribe to the belief that for each person there is just one perfect match out there. But if that were the case, this girl was pretty damn close for me.

Like I said before, sitting around the house is definitely not helping things at all. I’ve been working out more, and trying to find other stuff to keep myself occupied. I actually picked up a guitar the other day and learned some chords. I went on a long bike ride yesterday, and I think a friend of mine is coming over today and we’re gonna do that again. I think I might take up knitting too… If anyone wants a comforter with pink kittens on it, let me know, we’ll work something out.

I don’t plan on making a habit out of these ‘emo’ posts, or whatever you want to call them. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening, interweb.

I could keep going with this, but I’ll spare you. For those of you that made it this far… You can download 2 tracks from Serj Tankian’s upcoming album, “Elect The Dead”, here.

Edit: The new Ween CD has made it onto the web as well… You can download “El Cucaracha” right here. It hits stores October 23rd. I haven’t had a chance to listen to the whole thing yet, but I’m not sure how I feel about what I have heard, hopefully it will grow on me.

Some friends and I saw Aesop Rock at the Starlight Ballroom this past Saturday night. I may be wrong on this, as I just woke up, but I’m pretty sure this is the first hip-hop concert that I’ve gone to. Anyway, it was a really cool show. Blockhead played first, just doing beats, and that was pretty cool. Then Cage came out. I have been listening to him for longer than Aesop Rock actually, probably 4 years or so, so I know the majority of his songs, and it was definitely cool to see him. He and Yak Ballz were on stage at the same time, but the majority of the stuff they did was Cage material. Then Aesop came out with Rob Sonic. I was in the very front for the entire show, so that was definitely cool, getting to shake Aesop Rock’s hand and being a foot or two away from all the artists while they were performing… And getting on stage during the last song. I wasn’t sure if I’d really like seeing a hip-hop show live, but it was definitely cool. And that venue was cool too, I’d definitely see a show there again.

So I was trying to return some ammo to Wal-Mart the other day. Before I knew it, the SWAT team was there. Apparently they weren’t too happy with me because I threatened to kill some of the employees. What gives?

I’ve been having problems with my iPod Nano lately. I use it mainly for running, since it only holds 2GB of music. Anyway, I realized there was an Apple Store near me, so I decided to take it in there and have them look at it. I wasn’t expecting much really, but I figured it was worth a shot. The first thing the guy did was look up the iPod’s serial number in the database. He noticed that it was registered to the email address ‘ballhair at gmail dot com’, said “hmmm… that’s an interesting email address” and gave me a strange look. I use that address for stuff that could potentially sell my email address or send me 30 things a day that I don’t want - So I have had to confirm it on the phone with technical support companies and the like before, and it’s usually equally amusing. Anyway, he looked at the iPod for a minute after I told him the problem, then he turned around, opened a drawer, took a new iPod out, had me sign a paper, and handed me a brand new iPod. I couldn’t believe it. Keep in mind I was within the warranty period, but I wasn’t expecting it to be that easy. I have to hand it to Apple, that’s pretty awesome that they treat their customers that well. While I was their, I played with some of the new iPods. The ‘cover flow‘ feature is pretty cool. I wouldn’t buy a new iPod just for that feature though. Also, the new iPod Nanos are kind of bulky… I think I like the design of the old ones better, though it is kind of cool that the newer ones play video.

This video would be a whole lot better if it was set to death metal… Anyone agree?

Speaking of death metal, the new Black Dahlia Murder album made it’s way onto the web. It’s called “Nocturnal”, and you can download it here. It hits stores September 18th.

Yesterday my girlfriend of almost 2 years told me that she thinks we need time apart, and that she wants to see other people. Ouch. Yeah, I know what that means, but I’m sure you’ll all remind me anyway. Having said that, I hope you all had a better 9/11 than me. You know I always like to end things on a high note, so…

I heard a new Coheed song on the radio the other day. I only caught like the last minute of it, and I kind of forgot about it until just now… So I tracked it down online, and decided I’d post it here for your listening enjoyment. It sounds pretty good, I don’t know if I’m really into these guys as much as I used to be, but either way… Here it is: Coheed & Cambria - The Running Free - Enjoy! I’ll try to get around to making an actual post soon.