John's Crawlspace

Choagie Pie In Ya Buns-Hole | 12/31 | 8:24 AM

Boy, all this cold weather makes me want to get out and club some baby seals! Yeah, there is tons of snow outside. I'm going to a friends house on the train for New Years, and if I'm lucky, there will be a snowstorm and I'll get stuck out there, but that's just wishful thinking.

Hallelujah | 12/30 | 11:45 PM

Let's see what's going on in the news... This news article is pretty funny, two punk kids stole koala bears from a zoo, just to give them to their girlfriends as Christmas presents... Haha, I hope they get locked up! Moviegoers want Gwyneth Paltrow to keep her clothes on, don't ask me why. A bunch of Japanese guys are getting sex changes in order to get better jobs, read about it here. I dunno about you, but I'd rather have a shitty job and be on welfare, and keep my "vital organs", if you know what I mean. A bunch of people calling a toll-free golf phone number recieved a steamy message telling them that they had "come to the right place for nasty talk with big-busted girls." Hell, I'll take that over golf any day! Read that story here. Uh oh, looks like this baby Jesus didn't have a very merry Christmas! Want more? Here is a look back at some of 2000's oddest stories.

Awww, gross! transvestites really freak me out! Oh yeah, so do those ultra-feminist types. You can never be too careful around them, unless you look forward to being the next Jon Bobbit.

Did you ever stop and wonder... What happens when good toilets go bad?

I was happy with what I got this year for Christmas... But apparently, some people weren't. Hey, be happy, at least you didn't get some wierd-ass gift, like a meat helmet or a glowing potato! Okay, I'll admit it, the glowing potato might be kinda cool.

Never, ever, trust a postman... Either they will go into work one day with an automatic weapon and mow down half of their fellow employees, or they will cut off their wife's head, and cook it. Don't believe me?

Okay, now I have a few sites that I promised I would plug, so check 'em out: New Murderer | Lameking | Cypher Online

Napsturbation | 12/30 | 3:21 PM

You know, now that shows like MTV's Tom Green and Jackass are popular, there are alot of kids trying to make their own videos, very similiar to those seen on TV by their newfound role models. This frustrates me, because me and my friends have been doing stuff like this way back when Tom Green had nothing but a spot on a public access channel in a small part of Canada... We have always been the ones getting kicked out of stores at the mall, being escorted by security. Of course it dawned on us that it would be even more fun to capture it on video, but it never happened. Now you see stuff like this. Wow, that's so retarted that it made my left ass-cheek fall asleep. Okay, I guess I should give them some credit for getting out and trying to make a video... It just kind of makes me mad, because if me and my friends tried to do something like that now, we would be labeled as "ripping off" the MTV shows... Well, that's enough ranting coming out of me for now. Yes, my left ass-cheek actually is asleep, it feels wierd.

Oh yeah, and speaking of Jackass, CKY2K will be released on DVD in January, and will include an hour of unreleased bonus footage. It should be available at the same places where the VHS version was. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of that... I just need to find a place I can get it from!

It's too bad that New Years doesn't take place over the summer, I think it would be so cool to celebrate New Years at the beach. That would be one hell of a fun party!

Honkey-Chonk Blues | 12/30 | 12:31 AM

I think that pages giving away McDonald's "secret" recipes and stuff are just retarted, but some people seem to enjoy them. They feel like badasses knowing that they are making a shitty version of something that they feel should be paid for. They are "screwing the system". Or maybe that's not it at all... Anyway, here is one of those sites. And don't get any of that hot sauce in your eyes.

Damn, look at all the full albums on neo's site! That should keep some of you busy for a while.

It has been almost a year now, but Terry Smith still wants to know, "Whose bullet is this?" She will die a happy women when she finds out. Click here to help her in her quest.

Why is "The Beach" listed under The Top 10 Worst Movies Of The Year? I liked that movie, I think I'm gonna end up buying it on DVD. Oh yeah, speaking of DVD, I want this as well.

Shitty, Watered-Down Post... | 12/29 | 1:27 AM

MISUNDERSTOOD IS BACK!

Tonight I was supposed to go and see "Dracula 2000" tonight with these two girls from my school, but we ended up going to see "What Women Want"... It wasn't really that bad, a little bit lengthy for my tastes though.

Just so you know, I have things planned for "the future" of this site. I am going to add an emulator/rom section, and I will be adding more files to the downloads section... And I have some more galleries coming up at some point as well... I'm just recovering from my dad's recent attack on my "slizzuts" folder.

Damn guys, check out Frog's Pond! It is one hell of a sweet site. And with a name like that, you know it is gonna be great.

Mystical Coconut | 12/28 | 12:21 PM

Click here for a bunch of Wesley Willis songs in MP3 format. It's stuff like this that makes the internet so great. But then you find stuff like this, and you just want to take a break from the computer, crawl to the nearest toilet, and throw up.

I know, my navigation bar looks like absolute crap, I am working on it... But I have alot of stuff to do today, so I don't know how much I will get done. Let's see... What's going on in the news?

Sony Denies Rumors Of Saddams Evil Plan

Christ Statues Disappearing

School Places Spy Cameras In Bathrooms

Russia Sucks

Free Dog and Beer To Good Home

French Kids Are Morons

Hawaiian Frog Invasion

Girl & Hamster Reunited

Man Accidentally Feeds Viagra To His Kids

Santa Is A Pedophile!

Remember - If I had you linked, and your link is gone now, please e-mail me and let me know, thanks.

I Have The Worst Luck! | 12/28 | 12:28 AM

Somehow my HTML got screwed up again, which resulted in me losing my left-hand navigation menu. So I put the old one back up. If I had you linked, and your link is gone now, please mail me and let me know, thanks. I spent like an hour working on getting my lost HTML back, so don't expect this update to be like a big thing.

Hmmm, let's see here, what's going on in the news... Wow, rocket-launcher wielding robbers and flaming japanese joggers! There is always wierd stuff going on in the news.

Smack My Hamster Up | 12/27 | 1:18 PM

Last night, I saw a Wesley Willis music video on MTV2. It was a video for the song "Alanis Morrisette", and it was pretty damn funny. I had no idea he actually had music videos out. Click here to download the song - Wesley is the man!

Fo' Shizza, Mah Nizza | 12/26 | 12:48 AM

I... Am... So... Mad... Well, not really, but I should be. I had a folder of exactly one-thousand images of "everyday hotties", and I was all ready to make a gallery out of them, I just hadn't taken the time to. Well, my dad comes up to me, kinda pissed, and says, "I deleted all of the trash out of that 'slizzuts' folder of yours", or something along the lines of that. Well, that's not all he deleted. He deleted all of the sub-directories as well, which I had a ton of raver & celeb pics which I planned on uploading. Damn, that really blows, it took me a while to get all of those images. That's the major disadvantage of sharing a computer with your family...

Happy Kwanza, Honkies! | 12/25 | 12:46 PM

When I read stories like this one, I get all excited, and want to become like a professional thief or something. Money is so much better to spend when you didn't work for it! Story sent to me by Mad Leon, he is the man for pulling that off, even if it was 10 years ago!

Sifl what? Olly who? Meet Peto and Flek... Rock! I seriously can't get enough Sifl & Olly, I have so many mp3's by them, and they all crack me the hell up.

[ 1 ] [ 2 ]

Damn sweet!

Thats a picture of me out in the wilderness, with my new Christmas present. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, I wish... Nah, but I did get a really nice Aiwa DVD/MP3 player, but it's on back-order. So is Andy's MiniDisc player. Commercialism really is the true meaning of Christmas, and that's fine with me!

Everyone downloaded the Our Lady Peace album, right? Good.

Here Comes Santa Claus! | 12/25 | 1:21 AM

I can't believe I am on here posting this late... I don't have time for this crappo! But since it's the holidays, I arranged something special for all you alternative-rock fans out there. Click on the image of Santa below to download the new Our Lady Peace album, entitled "Spiritual Machines". Enjoy, and have a happy holiday!

Lil Wiglet | 12/23 | 2:41 PM

After reading this article, I definitely know what I want to be when I grow up! Spank. Spank.

[ jewishpersonals.com ] - Thank God! I finally found a place where Jewish Jews like me can find other Jewish Jews who get off from churning butter all day long! Hell yeah! I'm so happy, I could touch a phone! No, I didn't mean that, please forgive me God. Oh yeah, and I'm not really Jewish. But then again, we all have a little bit of Jew in us, more or less, right? Err... Yeah.

Some yuppie little kids ate part of an exhibit in an art gallery trip... Unfortunately, that headline is alot funnier than the actual article.

Seeing as how it's the holiday season, I'm sure some of you are drinking like Irishmen, so I thought I'd help you out - Here are some hangover remedies that just might get rid of that pounding headache you have the day after. Just pray that you don't wake up next to a homosexual japanese man.

Take plenty of vitamin B6 during and after drinking. It is known to reduce hangover severity by as much as 50 percent.

Drink sports drinks laced with extra sweeteners to round off the night to help replace lost body sugar.

Stick to vodka and gin if spirits are your tipple - The clearer the drink, the fewer impurities (such as methanol) there are.

I'm not sure why I think Weezer is such a great band, they only have one album out that I am aware of, but they are still great. Check out a new song by them, it's called "Christmas Song".

Weezer - Christmas Song

Under The Sea! | 12/22 | 10:35 PM

I just got an interesting e-mail from ravi - He used to post at jackshit.org, remember that site? Anyway, here's what he wrote.

A 'D' on your progress report and you think you have a bad day? Let me tell you about my night yesterday.

So me and four friends are driving around my city trying to find shit to do. One of my friends sister is having a party and he says they're going to go out TP'ing. So we have the great idea to get some eggs and egg the TP'ers! Anyways, we drive into food4less for their great prices (but forget about their great security) and me and my friend kenny stroll in to pick about 2 dozen eggs. We pick them up, go into one of the two aisles that are open (its about 11pm) and wait. My friend says screw this, and he hops over the wire in an adjacent aisle and procedes to run the fuck out of there. so i fallow, because i have the keys to my car, and well, i wanted to leave too. We run across the parking lot and finally get to the car, but when im trying to open the goddamn door, the security guy comes up and grabs my arms. this guy was a fiesty one all right. he's saying that all i have to do is go in there and pay for the eggs, and we can leave. i say aight fine whatever, and walk in. as soon as i step in the store, he handcuff's me and my friend together. what the fuck? he brings me in his little security box and asks us our names. I tell him mine, but kenny, being the genious of the group, decides to tell him a fake name and fake number. "uh yeah, im john cabral, 798-3454" The security guy starts to call the number and i now see that kenny realizes his mistake. When the guy on the other line says he doesnt know a john cabral, the security guy says "Ok guys, you two little peckers have caused me enough fucking trouble, im calling the cops" Im sorta like, i dont give a shit, do it, because i doubt they'll press charges for theft of $3.21 in eggs. Anyways, i was being sorta a dick to the security guy, and when the cops came, i started to say "here ill pay for the goddam-" when he says "shut the fuck up kid and turn around."
....
Im thinking what the fuck.
The cop actually handcuffs me and kenny right there on the spot, and takes me out to his car. he searches me and pats me down, making sure to check my cock about 20 times to see if i have a knife in there or something, and throws me into the back of his car along with kenny. Meanwhile, his partner goes and tells the rest of my friends to get out of the car, lock it up, and walk home. so they do. meanwhile, me and kenny get told our rights and are taken down to the station, where they finally take the goddamn cuffs off. let me tell you, the back of a police car is a bitch, especially when you're 6'5" and have no arms. we finally get there and i have my photo taken, and finger prints also. they call up my dad and release me to him around 1 am. yeah, he was pissed.
Now i have to go to a class for a day about stealing, and do community work for a day, so i can take off the arrest on my record.
Goddamn, i guess this is what i get for being 16, wearing baggy clothes, and being with a guy who steals eggs at 11pm. A criminal record. the only thing that could be worse is if they gave me a urine test, because im sure there was enuf THC in me to get a truckload of colombian drug lords lit.

Peace,
pulse.

I guess things always can get worse... Anyway, check out Thrashin', it's a nice site.

What A Way To Start The Holidays... | 12/22 | 6:51 PM

The image seen above is 100 percent pure, unadulturated shit. It is scanned from my progress report that I just recieved in the mail this afternoon. I have never, ever missed homework in that class - I know that to be an absolute fact, I mean there isn't even a grain of doubt in my mind. That teacher is the biggest asshole in the entire world... My parents are so pissed off at me, and I really do try hard in school, yet somehow this year I have gotten nothing but horse-shit for grades. Last year I was on the honor roll. Doesn't make much sense to me. But then again, back then, I was with someone who I cared for, which kept me motivated - Now I really don't have very much at all. I would say that my life is crumbling apart, but things can really only crumble so much...

I had a roll of film with a ton of great pictures on it, I was really excited to get them back. So I went to pick the pictures up today, and there was like four actual photos in the packet. No gray photos or blank photos, that's it. I was really mad about that too, so I am ready to... Yell.

Anyway, I scanned two of the pics so you guys could see them, they were from over the summer when me and some friends went to Hooters, and I look like absolute shit in the one pic, but hey - None of the chicks that come here will ever meet me in real life anyway, so what do I have to lose?

Dingleberries | 12/22 | 5:49 PM

Last Minute Shopping | 12/22 | 6:59 AM

Haven't had the time or money to buy a gift for that 'special someone' yet? Well, I think I have the answer for almost everyone! I can imagine that most girls would be more or less swept off of their feet when you told them that you named a star after them, and now you can have it officially done! For $48, you can do it. Go to www.starregistry.com for more details. I hopt ehtat helped some of you guys out!

Jigga What? | 12/21 | 7:14 AM

When I grow up... I wanna be a mu'fuggin pimp, like Andy, from Vandalized.net. Seriously, check out the hotties over there! Err, I'm talking about the girls, homo. Lydia is one of the hottest girls I've ever seen, Anna is mad hot, and this kid is not too bad either! Pimp Andy, pimp!

Wanna attract more hits to your site? then sign up for Vandalized.net Top 50, and rake in the hits. This is gonna get big, I can tell.

No, this post was not one big ass-kissing session for Andy, I was gonna post some other shit, but I have to get to school.

Not Much! | 12/20 | 10:35 PM

Look! Kalen is about to go live on cam! Okay, that's not enough to get your horny bastards to click the link, is it? Alright, lets see here... Click here for live girl-on-girl action! That oughta work.

Oh yeah, I didn't even know that Freestylin.net was back up, so check it out.

Go Butt Pirates!

Juicy Korn | 12/20 | 3:05 PM

This is the last e-mail I will post regarding the "KoRn" MP3.

ok, i know this has gotten old and you have said you don't wanna post so much about it, but seeing that other persons coments about still thinking its korn and account the shittyness of the recording to it being a demo pissed me off. i hate how people think demo = shit recording. like i said, korn has the money to make demos that sound better than most bands actual albums. anyways, i wanna kill the thought that was korn. post this link to the band juice http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/8/juice.html or even the actual song necro. that oughta do it.

Some moron kid threw a baby out of a window... Why? "It was funny", she said. Yeah, I can see where that's funny, especially when the baby hits the ground and makes that noise - Hilarious, eh? Click here to read the article.

I think it is pretty damn funny when dogs try to hump peoples legs... If some little piece of shit dog started humping my leg I would kick it across the room! What does this have to do with anything? Well, looks like Toto doesn't know how to behave around Dorothy - Click here for more.

Oh yeah, remember earlier this year, some sicko was spraying little girls with a squirt-gun full of semen? Well, looks like he has made the news once again! Here is the story.

Whatever Tommorow Brings | 12/20 | 6:55 AM

Am I the only one who is fascinated by some of the pictures over at erowid.org?

Mmmmm... GHB!

Imagine pouring all of that into someone's drink... No, I'm not serious, that's really wrong, I know, but the pics sure are cool. Plus, a little bit of GHB never hurt anyone, right?

Suck My Hairy Nut Ball! | 12/19 | 5:55 PM

This article may have you thinking twice next time you are ready to send out a 'racy' e-mail "for his/her eyes only".

Okay, this is just downright hilarious. Remember back when people bragged about the powerful specs on the Playstation 2, way before it came out, and people said it was powerful enouygh to control a missile or something? Well, it looks like our russian buddy Saddam is doing something along those lines! Talk about irony... But that shit is too funny - Click here to read the full article.

Oh yeah, here is an interesting article that talks about ecstacy and frequent users.

Welcome to Ninja Burger! Recite the ninja fight song!

Since it's Christmas time, I figured I'd post a nice holiday news article for you... It should warm your heart like it did mine. Happy Holidays!

Like Nailing Jello To A Tree | 12/19 | 7:05 AM

Alright, I hate to keep posting stuff on the same topic, but this is kind of interesting. Here are two more readers opinions on the KoRn MP3.

"ok, my buddy wook from theprp.com confirmed that the song isnt korn but the korn rip off band juice. the song is necro."

"um .. yeah i think it's legit .. perhaps you should point out to all the doubters that it's a DEMO, and demo's usually do sound pretty shitty, and are usually recorded on substandard equipment, and aren't gonna sound anything like what people think of as Korn..."

Hmmm... Well, I dunno. It boggles the mind to know that people could actually mail me spelling the band name "Corn"... That was good for a laugh, thanks guys. Anyway, I'm off to school, for shizza my nizza!

Check Out My Gravel Pit | 12/18 | 11:15 PM

One reader's viewpoint on the authenticity of the KoRn MP3 are as follows:

"the first dead give away is the quality of the recording. korn is one of the most popular bands out right now, and im sure they are loaded beyond belief. there is no way they could make a recording this bad even if they tried, im sure they have the pimpest recording equipment imaginable. this sounds like a crappy garage band recording with a boombox with one of those shitty built in mics. second of all, korn is one of the tightest bands on the planet, with a very destinct sound. this band is sloppy as hell. there is no trademark fieldy bass sound there. i dont even hear a bass as a matter of fact. the drums sound like a toy kit. and the vocals are terrible and sound worse then jon's, i dont think he would change that much in a matter of a year. third and finally, in this day in age with mp3s, you can take any old song and label it with a popular bands name and make people believe its them. i know for a fact alot of bands throw other bands names into the file names and put them on napster to try to trick people into downloading and hearing them. im sure this is the case."

Now I'd like to introduce you to two friends of mine.

First, meet Alyssa. She runs a site by the name of Snob Youth, and enjoys warm oatmeal cookies, crossword puzzles, and hitting farm animals with her car. Don't be too quick to judge, from what she tells me, the adrenaline rush recieved after slamming into a 500 lb. cow is exhilarating.

Next (and last - but not last, bla bla bla) is my good friend Kalyn. I have known her since I was but a young lad... Okay, that's BS, I barely know her at all, but she has a cool site, check it out, Heart Sugar.com. After I found out that she spent her afternoon brutally torturing her hamster by leaving it in the icetray of her freezer, I figured that was all I wanted to know. So if you want to know more about her, then head on over to her site.

Yeah, that was kinda wierd. I'm not usually at all interested in 'blogger' sites that are basically a portal into someone's life who I don't know and will most likely never meet, but today I went to a bunch of them, and these were two of my favorites. Plus, both of those girls are 'shexy mamaz'.

Oh yeah, I forgot to put this on here earlier today. I'm sure most of you are familiar with Channel 1, that TV show that they make you watch in school. If not, it's basically just a news program run by teens to inform students what is going on in the world around them... Well, my school does something similiar, it is called "UD Update", and it is run by students. Well, they interview random kids during lunch and stuff and get it on camera, and I always wanted to get on there and do something funny. Well, I got a chance today, they were interviewing people during my lunch. They were asking "how do you plan to spend your holiday vacation?" I didn't want to get any more detentions, so I didn't go up and say "I like to teabag my Uncle", or something like that. I couldn't think of anything, so the kids at my lunch table told me to go up and say "I love so-and-so", and I barely know the kid who they were talking about, but I did it anyway. The reason I think it will be funny is because they were interviewing someone else and I came up behind the kid and just screamed it - Hopefully they will show it during "UD Update" tommorow. Okay, enough about me... Or, better yet, enough, period! No more updates for you, hoe.

It'll Drain All Your Spinal Fluid! | 12/18 | 7:13 PM

Well, I got a few e-mails questioning the authentacity of the KoRn MP3 that I posted in the god awful hour of 7:00 this morning. What do you think? Is it really KoRn? Tell me what you think. I think it is, I mean sometimes bands change their sound during the transition between two albums.

Who is she? Well, you'll have to wait and see. For now, she's 'The Mystery Girl'